Random Thoughts

It must be because I’ve been on vacation and recharging that my creative energy is really getting going because today I had a great idea for a new show for Fox. Seriously, this could be the next big, breakout hit. I think it could be epic. All epic shows start with a catchy title, so here’s mine: So You Think You Can Sing and Dance With a Celebrity and Survive! (the exclamation point is part of the title). This is the brief synopsis; former contestants of Survivor will be paired with former contestants of Celebrity Apprentice and will have to sing and dance their way into American’s hearts. Each week, the songs will revolve around a random product or company that paid to be on the show. Special guest judges will add little to no value in their critique of the song & dance numbers. And of course, we’ll have famous hosts. Let’s break it down.

Contestants
As I said, we’ll draw from Survivor and Celebrity Apprentice. The contestants will be paired randomly and have to work up their routines with the aid of a professional choreographer. Contestants will have the opportunity a few times each season to swap partners, but only after winning a completely random and unrelated challenge contest. Each week, America will vote; some of them will stay in, others will be out. Unless, the judges save them!

The Judges
There will be a 3-part judges panel. First, the judges from So You Think You Can Dance will judge (judge may be too strong a word; “blather on for an indeterminate amount of time” might be better) the dancing portion. American Idol judges Randy, Kara and Simon (we have to have Simon!) will give meaningless commentary on the singing portion. And to make things a little more interesting, Donald Trump, Donald Junior and Ivanka will also be there, but will say…nothing. They will, however, have the power to save a contestant who was voted off. In a strange and cruel twist of fate, if a contestant is saved, they will have to perform next week without the band, or the choreographer (oh the drama!).

The Hosts
Every epic live talent show has charismatic hosts and this will be no exception. In fact, we’ll parlay the strength of existing mega-hit properties and give America more of what it wants (read, we’ll just use hosts we already have around). SYTYCS&DWaC&S will be hosted by not one, not two but three of the biggest hosts ever: Cat Deely, Ryan Seacrest and Jeff Probst. This is not, however, a typical copycat show. No sir! The hosts will compete for host duties each week in another random and unrelated challenge, all of which will take place, inexplicably on a beach. The star power and draw of these three is undeniable (note to self; make sure we have a 2′ ladder for Ryan so he can stay in the shot with Cat…).

The Competition
Like I said, the contestants will have to sing and dance, then garner votes to stay in the competition. Those voted off will form a special counsel of judges who will do nothing but sit and watch the rest of the season. At the end, when it’s down to the final two, the contestant counsel will vote on who the winner shall be. It will, of course, be a totally non-binding vote as the real winner will be determined by the people who watch the show. But think of the drama we can create as each member casts their vote and tells us why they chose the person they did!

In addition to the many product placement opportunities, the competition also gives other singers and dancers a chance to boost their own careers by joining an episode as a “mentor.” These mentors don’t really have to do anything, or give meaningful advice, just show up, interact with the contestants for a few minutes and perform a tune (after which they can plug their latest album!) before the entire viewing audience. Company spokespersons will have the opportunity to explain exactly why their product or company is the best and what kind of motivation the contestants will need to perform in each weeks’s show. Any contestant who does not live up to the product’s hype will be asked to leave the dance floor immediately.

So there it is, Fox. I think you’ll agree this is a winner. Given the amazing success of the shows in which this is based, the collective US audience should be easily north of 400 million people. Production cost will be relatively low as we can get corporate and label sponsorship to pay for everything. All the ad space is pure profit. Run the show for three consecutive nights for two hours apiece and watch the cash come rolling in. Also, I have many more ideas like this one; as well as some exciting ways to branch off into new territory for subsequent seasons. Drop the dime; give me a call!

Earthlink, what happened? You used to be my favorite. In fact, when I first drove up the on ramp to this thing called the internet in 1996, you were the one building the road. For a mere $19.95 a month, I had all the unlimited data my 56kbps modem could handle. And every month, for years and years I gladly sent the check. That is, until one day, Time Warner installed a new 20 lane super-highway that lead out my door.

Still, we stayed friends. I kept my e-mail and webspace active. And when I moved across the country to a new city with few internet options, you were there. I marveled at how you could deliver high speed internet for $15 less a month than Comcast; especially when Comcast delivered, installed and supported the service. But I’m a sucker for a bargain, and for a blissful 18 months we were once again close. My how the turn tables (to quote that venerable wordsmith, Michael Scott).

When it was time for me to move to the left coast, I checked with you first to see if you could provide me with my high speed on ramp to the interweb. Sadly, you couldn’t. So on a late night in late July, I had to break it off. I chatted with one of your customer specialists (surely located “off-shore”). I explained the situation–I was moving to a non-serviced area and needed to cancel. He was so understanding and promised he would be “happy to resolve my request to my best satisfaction.” Then things got strange.

Now for a moment I need to digress. While I use my earthlink e-mail address quite extensively in the early years, I’ve had my own domain, and thus my own e-mail servers for over 5 years now. When I joined the G-Mail (beta) revolution 3 years ago, I transferred all my usage to that one. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s been a solid 4 years since I even checked msessler@earthlink.net.

Back to our story. My helpful representative explained that I could cancel my high-speed access and keep my e-mail! For only $3.95/mo., I could hang on to all 5 of my (unused) earthlink.net addresses and enjoy the service free for 2 months (note: this is important). The choice between that and $4.95/mo. for unlimited addresses and two domains plus hosting was tough, but I chose my own domains. I explained that I would not be needed the service, and to simply cancel my account. He agreed and we went our separate ways into the night (or perhaps it was still day where he was, who can say).

I thought that was it. But no. Earthlink, you had to go all psycho ex-girlfriend on me. First, on Sept. 12, you charged my credit card (how did you get that number, anyway?) for $3.95. Now, calendar math has always been a struggle for me, but I’m pretty sure that July 27-Sept 12 is not two months. Nope, checked it again. Not two months.

When I caught that discrepancy on Sept 14, I once again turned to you for help. I called your support line and was told you were experiencing “unusually high call volume,” and to “call back later,” or use online support. I’m a geek, so I chose online.

I launched into live chat, and was connected with “Kylie D.” Her real name? I doubt it. I once again explained the situation (heck, I’ll publish the entire chat transcript below). She understood my pain (I thought) and was going to connect me with a “cancellation Representative” [sic]. That cancellation Representative was Peter S. Once again, explaining my situation, I asked that my account be actually cancelled this time and the charge to my card refunded. And here is where you lost me, Earthlink.

Folks, I’m going to let you in on a secret. Cancellation Representatives are not there to help you cancel your account. They are there to sell you on keeping a product or service you no longer need or want. Keep in mind, this is the third time I’ve tried to cancel this account. And for the third time, Peter S. tried to sell me on keeping a product I no longer need or want. Then he really went psycho ex-girlfriend; he threatened me!

Now, every time I turn on the news, I hear about how crummy our economy is doing. So you would think that companies would do anything they can to keep customers, and even ex-customers, happy. But not Earthlink. Some executive, relaxing after another 6-figure bonus, read one too many business books about how it cost more to get a new customer than retain one. And he implemented the, “retain them at all costs” policy.

Back to Peter S. The following conversation ensued:

[23:09:18] Peter S: We have the chat you did with the EarthLink support on 07/22/2009

[23:09:42] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Sounds about right

[23:10:18] Peter S: We had the chat transcript which says that you accepted the email service for 2 months free and $3.95 per month after that.

Let me interject that I remember this chat specifically. The operator tried selling me on keeping the e-mail. I know for a fact that I declined it multiple times before he finally gave up. Though it appears he did not give up. He entered it as a sale anyway and the system charged my card. But it gets better. Picking up where we left off…

[23:10:28] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Highly unlikely

[23:10:37] mikesessler@earthlink.net: However, let me be as clear as I can possibly be

[23:10:47] mikesessler@earthlink.net: CANCEL ALL EARTHLINK ACCOUNTS IMMEDIATELY

[23:10:59] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY AND ALL ACCOUNTS FROM EARTHLINK

[23:11:04] Peter S: Okay.

Okay. That’s good, right? We say, “Okay,” when we mean, “Okay, I understand. I will comply with your request.” Right? So now, you’d think that at this point, he would be letting me know that he will be canceling my account and refund the erroneous charge. Am I alone in thinking this? Can I get a witness? But no! Look what he “typed” next (and I put typed in quotes, because I’m sure it is a macro–look at the time stamps. And note that I was pretty emphatic previously in my desire to cancel my account (note the ALL CAPS–I’m trying to be clear here…).

[23:11:12] Peter S: With the email only service you will be able to :

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Access your email from anywhere using WebMail or any POP mail client

[23:11:12] Peter S: - 100 MB for each mailbox

[23:11:12] Peter S: - SpamBlocker blocks virtually 100% of all junk messages

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Virus Blocker scans incoming messages for viruses before you download them

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Mail forwarding and vacation messages

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Use EarthLink Easy Switch to import your email and address book from most other email programs

[23:11:16] Peter S: Would you like to keep it?

Would you like to keep it? Are you freaking out of your mind? Are you smoking crack? Have you actually read one word I’ve typed in the last 5 minutes. DID YOU NOT NOTICE ME SHOUTING I WANTED TO CANCEL MY ACCOUNT? Peter S., are you an idiot? Probably not–he’s just following the script. The script some Earthlink beanhead came up with. And it pisses me off. Let’s see if I can actually convey my wishes to Peter S. in a clearer manor…

[23:11:19] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I WANT THE $3.95 REFUNDED IMMEDIATELY

[23:11:37] Peter S: EarthLink is a subscription based company. We do not charge based on usage of the service. As a result I will not be able to provide you refund for the non usage.

[23:12:01] mikesessler@earthlink.net: As I told the other agent (and told him to cancel all my accounts) I have not accessed mikesessler@earthlink.net in 4 years

[23:12:09] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I DO NOT NEED EARTHLINK E-MAIL

[23:12:17] mikesessler@earthlink.net: CANCEL ALL ACCOUNTS IMMEDIATELY

[23:12:22] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT BILL ME

[23:12:26] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT GIVE ME FREE SERCIE

[23:12:30] mikesessler@earthlink.net: *SERVICE

[23:12:40] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING BUT A FULL REFUND OF $3.95

[23:12:45] Peter S: Okay.

[23:12:58] Peter S: EarthLink is a subscription based company. We do not charge based on usage of the service. As a result I will not be able to provide you refund for the non usage.

I know Earthlink is a subscription based company. I don’t care. I didn’t order the service, I didn’t want it. I didn’t use it. Just give me my stupid $3.95 back. What is wrong with you, Earthlink? Are times that tough? Can you not afford a lousy $4 to keep an already ticked off former customer from going ballistic on the net with your epic failure of customer non-service? Apparently not. Until…

[23:13:12] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I am calling my credit card company to dispute the charge

[23:13:41] Peter S: Okay.

[23:13:53] Peter S: I will cancel the account as of today and refund the $3.95 charge.

[23:13:55] Peter S: Is that fine?

Well it’s about friggin’ time! I had to threaten to call my credit card company to dispute the charge. I finally took the nuclear option because I once owned a business. I know it costs a lot more to refund a dispute (and it can raise your rates if you have too many of them) than it does to simply give a refund. And come on, it’s $4!!

But wait, the story continues! After a month, the $3.95 has yet to be credited to my credit card. So now what do I do? Well, I dispute the charge. And because they’re making me work hard for that lousy $4, I’m going to spread as much negative press about their shady tactics as I can on the web. Four hundred plus people follow me on Twitter and I’ll make sure they know about this. This is on my blog (keyword searchable, thank you very much).

So thanks, Earthlink. Thanks for turning a 13 year customer into a seething hater. I’ll never come back to Earthlink again for any reason. I’ll pay more for the same service just to not give you another dollar. I’ll tell anyone that ever asks me to stay away from Earthlink at all costs. I’m what Malcolm Gladwell terms a Maven. People ask me for advice on all manor of tech stuff. Not only will I not recommend you, I’ll actively push people away from you.

Earthlink, you lied. You cheated. You stole from me. And now everyone knows.

There. Does that $4 feel as good now? And by the way, you’re not going to get to keep it.

Entire Transcript from the Fateful Chat Session (I’ve only redacted personal identifying information–the rest is exactly as it happened).

Dear Customer,

Plese find below the transcript of the chat session you had with EarthLink customer support on 09/14/09.

[22:44:07] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I moved to a new state recently. I tried to cancel my account w/ Earthlink, however I note there is a charge for $3.95 on my credit card.

[22:44:35] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I assume this is for the basic e-mail service that the person I spoke with insisted I have but told him I did not need or want

[22:44:50] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Need to make it go away

[22:45:08] Kylie D: I am sorry to hear that you are leaving us.

[22:45:14] Kylie D: May I know your EarthLink e-mail address please?

[22:45:25] mikesessler@earthlink.net: mikesessler@earthlink.net

[22:45:55] Kylie D: Thank you.  May I know when did you cancel your account please?

[22:46:36] mikesessler@earthlink.net: It would have been the week of July 27th

[22:47:42] Kylie D: In order to verify your account, could you confirm. What is your Father’s Middle Name listed on the account?

[22:47:58] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Xxxxx

[22:48:32] Kylie D: Thank you for  verifying the account.

[22:49:13] Kylie D: As I pull up the account with the e-mail address I am able to pull up an account that is been cancelled on the 11/12/07 and you are not getting billed for any service.

[22:50:39] mikesessler@earthlink.net: OK, I had an account w/ Earthlink that was delivered by Comcast until 8/3/09 (the last day of service). Check this address: XXXX Mike Sessler is the name on the acct.

[22:51:00] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Someone from Earthlink billed my card on 9/12 for $3.95.

[22:51:52] Kylie D: May I know the card number that you are getting billed on please?

[22:52:21] mikesessler@earthlink.net: XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX

[22:52:32] Kylie D: Thank you, please give me two minutes.

[22:53:14] Kylie D: Thank you for your time.

[22:53:29] Kylie D: In order to verify your account, could you confirm. What is your Mother’s Maiden Name listed on the account?

[22:53:43] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Xxxx

[22:55:14] Kylie D: Thank you for  verifying the account.

[22:55:47] Kylie D: I see that you have an account with EarthLink for which you on the e-mail service for which you are getting billed $3.95 per month.

[22:56:41] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Right. Never asked for it, told the agent I didn’t want it, didn’t authorize it and want it cancelled and refunded immediately.

[22:57:36] Kylie D: To best assist you, you need to chat with a cancellation Representative. Please stay connected while I transfer the chat.

[22:59:28] Kylie D: customer wants to cancel the acocunt.  account number XXXXXXX

[23:00:50] mikesessler@earthlink.net: mikesessler@earthlink.net: I moved to a new state recently. I tried to cancel my account w/ Earthlink, however I note there is a charge for $3.95 on my credit card. mikesessler@earthlink.net: I assume this is for the basic e-mail service that the person I spoke with insisted I have but told him I did not need or wantmikesessler@earthlink.net: Need to make it go away

[23:01:08] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Right. Never asked for it, told the agent I didn’t want it, didn’t authorize it and want it cancelled and refunded immediately.

[23:01:17] Peter S: I will help you to resolve the issue, to the best of your satisfaction.

[23:01:17] Peter S: I am sorry to hear that you wish to cancel your account with EarthLink.

[23:02:16] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Please simply cancel the account and refund the charge.

[23:02:35] Peter S: Hello, I see you’ve already been chatting. Please give me three minutes of your time so I can read the previous chat and pick up where you left off.

[23:06:48] Peter S: Thank you for staying online.

[23:09:18] Peter S: We have the chat you did with the EarthLink support on 07/22/2009

[23:09:42] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Sounds about right

[23:10:18] Peter S: We had the chat transcript which says that you accepted the email service for 2 months free and $3.95 per month after that.

[23:10:28] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Highly unlikely

[23:10:37] mikesessler@earthlink.net: However, let me be as clear as I can possibly be

[23:10:47] mikesessler@earthlink.net: CANCEL ALL EARTHLINK ACCOUNTS IMMEDIATELY

[23:10:59] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY AND ALL ACCOUNTS FROM EARTHLINK

[23:11:04] Peter S: Okay.

[23:11:12] Peter S: With the email only service you will be able to :

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Access your email from anywhere using WebMail or any POP mail client

[23:11:12] Peter S: - 100 MB for each mailbox

[23:11:12] Peter S: - SpamBlocker blocks virtually 100% of all junk messages

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Virus Blocker scans incoming messages for viruses before you download them

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Mail forwarding and vacation messages

[23:11:12] Peter S: - Use EarthLink Easy Switch to import your email and address book from most other email programs

[23:11:16] Peter S: Would you like to keep it?

[23:11:19] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I WANT THE $3.95 REFUNDED IMMEDIATELY

[23:11:37] Peter S: EarthLink is a subscription based company. We do not charge based on usage of the service. As a result I will not be able to provide you refund for the non usage.

[23:12:01] mikesessler@earthlink.net: As I told the other agent (and told him to cancel all my accounts) I have not accessed mikesessler@earthlink.net in 4 years

[23:12:09] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I DO NOT NEED EARTHLINK E-MAIL

[23:12:17] mikesessler@earthlink.net: CANCEL ALL ACCOUNTS IMMEDIATELY

[23:12:22] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT BILL ME

[23:12:26] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT GIVE ME FREE SERCIE

[23:12:30] mikesessler@earthlink.net: *SERVICE

[23:12:40] mikesessler@earthlink.net: DO NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING BUT A FULL REFUND OF $3.95

[23:12:45] Peter S: Okay.

[23:12:58] Peter S: EarthLink is a subscription based company. We do not charge based on usage of the service. As a result I will not be able to provide you refund for the non usage.

[23:13:12] mikesessler@earthlink.net: I am calling my credit card company to dispute the charge

[23:13:41] Peter S: Okay.

[23:13:53] Peter S: I will cancel the account as of today and refund the $3.95 charge.

[23:13:55] Peter S: Is that fine?

[23:14:05] mikesessler@earthlink.net: That is what I have been asking for since I started

[23:14:07] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Thank you

[23:15:12] Peter S: Okay, I have inactivated the account for you as of today 09/14/09.

[23:15:12] Peter S: The confirmation number for cancellation is XXXXXX

[23:15:12] Peter S: Your last charge date was 09/12/09 and for $3.95 amount.

[23:15:12] Peter S: Can you provide me with an alternate email address so that we can send a cancellation confirmation email to you within the next two weeks?

[23:15:12] Peter S: Your EarthLink account is cancelled and you will not incur any further charges.

[23:15:12] Peter S: I have provided a refund of $3.95 and it will be reflected on your account in 7-10 business days business days.

[23:15:12] Peter S: In case in future if you like to comeback to EarthLink you are always welcome.

[23:15:12] Peter S: May I know if there is anything else I could assist you with today?

[23:15:37] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Could you please e-mail the transcript of this chat to XXXXXXX

[23:16:54] Peter S: Yes.

[23:17:06] Peter S: I will send the email of the chat to XXXXXXXX.

[23:17:10] Peter S: Are you are satisfied with the service provided by me today?

[23:17:23] mikesessler@earthlink.net: Now that we’re on the same page, yes I am.

[23:18:56] Peter S: You are most welcome.

[23:18:56] Peter S: Thank you for using EarthLink LiveChat. Should you need any further assistance, please feel free to return to EarthLink LiveChat.

[23:18:56] Peter S: Please hold the ‘Ctrl’ key on your keyboard and then click on the ‘Close’ button on your chat window to end this chat.

We appreciated the opportunity to serve you. If you have any questions, or if

we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Sincerely,

EarthLink Customer Service

Sorry Earthlink Customer Service, you fail. Epically.

Why do driver’s license photos have to look so bad? Most look like mug shots. Case in point:

I mean, are you serious? Actually, I do look pretty serious. Perhaps it’s a reflection of the guy who took the photo—he had no sense of humor at all. I mean none. Not even a little. Seriously.

But what if we could bring our own photos in for our DL photos? Shouldn’t we be able to chose the photo? The super-helpful folks at the DMV could easily tell if the photo is of us or not. They’re pretty bright after all. We could just bring the picture in on a flash drive or other suitable solid state memory device, have it downloaded to the computer and added to the card. Easy cheesy. It’s no problem, really. I mean, how much better would my DL look if I had used this picture?

Better right? Or how about this one:

That’s Chad’s shoulder in the background. This works wonders. Or we could spice it up a little:

I could be bored, or just being shy. Either way, it’s better than the DMV shot. Or how’s this:

You’re a Lemur! How fun is that?

My middle name is “Danger.”

Even this is a nice improvement. If an officer of the peace ever pulled me over and wanted to see my license, which would he rather see, a mug shot, or a nice picture? Wouldn’t some of these just make him/her feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

I think we should lobby for the right to provide our own photos. Now there’s a platform a presidential candidate could stand on!

I got called in for Jury Duty today. I really didn’t want to go, but I wasn’t up for a bench warrant for my arrest so soon before leaving the state. So I went. I really wasn’t excited about being tied up for a few days. Once I got there, I was actually interested in the processes. The Judge was really good, and made the process fun.

They called a total of 35 witnesses for the selection process and got their 12 plus 2. I was never called upon, but it was fun to watch. The Judge told us in the beginning that he expected to have a jury seated by 12:30 or so, and at 12:30 those of us who were not needed were released.

All in all, it was not a bad way to spend a morning. I got some work on my website, and got a civics lesson. And I’m out of jury duty in NY for the next 6 years. I wonder if I can transfer that to Minnesota?